We understand most of you middle-class hipsters are quite effortlessly busy as you go about your “blasé” American Apparel lifestyle. Yes, it must be very stressful and tiring to always be travelling around the world, doing intensive charitable work to show your philanthropy side like Angelina Jolie; while exploring the exotic and trying out new, spontaneous and thrilling activities like scuba diving with turtles. It’s a hard-knock life, right? On top of all that your unethical attempt to do some serious soul-searching is not going as you planned it, considering you’re trying to find the meaning of life in between the legs of Adinda, the Indonesian girl that only wants to make out with you because she too is trying out new, spontaneous and thrilling activities this summer; like touching the skin of a rich, white man with ocean-blue eyes in order to bring good fortune to her village in Tonggalan.
When you still cannot find your true self like Julia Roberts did in Eat, Pray, Love you go out and take an apparently deeply moving selfie on Instagram of yourself staring intensely at that sensational sunset of Maasai Mara with your £200 Versace sunglasses while contemplating your first-world problems, all the while thinking to yourself: “What would have happened to you and Adinda if she hadn’t tied you up to that palm tree and stolen your wallet?” So you spend hours Googling for a poignant quote to put in your caption and come up with: “We do not remember days, we remember moments #sunset #lovelife #WhatDoesn’tKillYouMakesYouStronger
What you need to remember is that it all ends badly for Christopher McCandless, okay? Even if you think you’re quite capable of surviving in the wilderness because you have watched all the episodes of The Island with Bear Grylls. I think you might lack that primitive survival instinct because you were raised up in a lavish villa, where you could barely survive on filet mignon and your trust funds! Anyway wouldn’t you rather be downing that sweet Budweiser rather than your own urine. I know the taste is similar but anything with packaging and a label must surely be as credible as a picture of a cow on a canned corn beef, right?…or was that a picture of a horse? Look what happened when you rich hipsters get together and try to go camping like the basic people: the Fyre Festival horror occurred! Word of advice hipsters- stay in wonderland.